Hybrid Rainbows

So I don’t update my Tumblr nearly as often as I should. I think that I should remedy this issue. 

Life has been nothing less than phenomenal for the last two months. Even with minor speedbumps, it’s still the best that it has ever been. School is going very well for me. I lack only six classes to get my associates degree at Pellissippi. I am currently enrolled in a Biology and Math class, and after that it is nothing but music all the way. I can’t adequately express how excited I am through text.

I am singing in an excellent Bluegrass combo called Heyday Revival with three of my friends, and we should be gigging out very soon. It’s a ton of work, but I am all about it. I live to play out, and with Midnight Radio basically on a hiatus I have been itching to be on stage again. We are playing the Pridefest in Market Square, and I am completely stoked about it. I can’t wait to play in front of that many people. Being on stage is the best feeling in the entire world to me. 

I am really excited about the fall semester of school. I can’t wait to be back in the music department, learning more about theory and playing in guitar and bluegrass ensemble. Wooooot!

The biggest reason that I am so excited is all of the time that I have been spending with my phenomenal boyfriend. I have honestly never been happier in my life. Wonderful friends, an incredible love, beautiful family, and a sense of accomplishment are good things to have. Lucky doesn’t really begin to describe what I am right now. 

Living the dream, living the dream. 

My life is upside down, but things are finally starting to make sense. For the first time in a long while, I feel like myself again. I feel more passionate, more alive, and more excited about living and future prospects than ever before. There are so many good people in my world right now who bring smiles to my face all the time, and I can’t express how filled with joy that makes me. It’s funny how you can realize that you were depressed and didn’t know it until it’s gone. It’s like a shroud of sadness has dissipated, leaving behind the person that I missed the most…….myself.

I’m moving into my new house this weekend. I’ve never lived in a home so nice. I am completely excited. It has a whirlpool tub, new appliances, and a fireplace. I think that I am going to burst with joy.

The first thing that I am going to do is take a long, hot bubble bath.  /sigh

No one wants to be the kid in the school recital who doesn’t have someone there to watch them play. I can remember being younger, putting on productions with school, and being so happy when I was able to see my family after the lights came back up. Now I’m 25 years old, and I find myself concerned about the same thing that I looked forward to as a child. I’m playing my college’s guitar ensemble and on November 16th we are doing the small instrumental fall recital. I’ve slaved for the last two months to learn the pieces that we are playing for the concert, and I’m very pleased that I have made so much progress. I’m nervous about performing in an ensemble recital, though. I don’t really have stage fright, but it is intimidating to me because my performance reflects on all of the other musicians’ performances in my group as well. 

                    Where I am excited about the prospect of performing, I’m also kind of sad. When the performance is over, there will be no one there for me. My dad lives out of town and can’t make it in to see me, my mother has to work, my boyfriend has a night class that he cannot miss that evening, and I can’t think of any friends that wouldn’t be busy with work or family. I perform for the love of performing, but it is never easy to see all of the other performers sharing their happiness with friends and family and you’re left standing there awkwardly. I know that if my parents were free to come see me play, they would. However, I don’t want to tell them that it’s kind of a big deal to me. I guess I just want them to see how much this means to me. I want them to understand how important creating music is to the very structural foundation of who I am. I think that they would prefer that I had a more traditional major in college….something medical or business related, perhaps. The thing is, I just can’t make myself conform to working in a field that I don’t love forever. I can work in a job that I don’t necessarily like to achieve a goal, but if I am going to put all the time and work into a degree, I want it to be something that I believe in. I want it to be something that I love. I guess I just wanted them and my other loved ones to see how passionate I am about creating something beautiful. No matter what the world looks like, no matter how unattractive you might feel or how terrible things might seem……..a lovely song can transport all of your troubles away. 

             I suppose that it’s childish, but I wish that I could see someone there in the audience for me. I wish that there was someone to give me a hug afterward and congratulate me. I don’t want to be the only one without someone there. Again….it’s childish, but it’s something that I just can’t get out of my head. I hate feeling so disconnected. 

I think the thing that I hate more than anything else is not being in control. I hate having your plans go out the window and you can’t do anything to stop it from happening. I hate feeling like something is finally going in a positive direction for you, only to be disappointed yet again. I think that fate is an absurd concept. I believe that you make your own destiny based on the choices you make and the amount of heart that you put into it. I’ve never thought that there was something that I couldn’t do if I wanted it badly enough. I guess that everyone gets depressed sometimes…….i just really hate feeling like I’m not in control of what happens to me. I get the sensation that I’ve been straight railed in the ass by life right now. I suppose that the only thing to do is keep going until the pain is replaced by something worthwhile.

I haven’t updated frequently enough because things have been rather hectic lately. I’m still looking for a house…I went to an open house for a rental home today, so we’ll see how that pans out. School has kept me busy with all the work from my seven classes. By the end of this semester, I am certain that reading sheet music will haunt me in my dreams. I love it so much.

I wish that I had something big to say right now, but all I have are some random thoughts. I want to get a tattoo. I’ve been considering it for awhile, and I kind of feel like it’s a go big or go home sort of thing. There are two that I want….a piece of sheet music from Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind score on my ribs, and a cluster of flowers falling from my shoulder and down my back…I initially wanted a cherry tree, but now I’m unsure of the type of flower. I only know that each flower will represent someone that has impacted my life irrevocably. There will be quite a few flowers, and I’m not sure if I will tell who the flowers represent. I feel like it would be more fun to keep it private. :)

I played in solo class today….some little blues study in E. It went fairly well, but it’s always a terrifying experience. It’s much worse than playing a show at a bar or club. Everyone is scrutinizing your every movement and note.

I am pretty excited about fall television programming. Sons of Anarchy is kicking ass, Boardwalk Empire is bitchin, and Supernatural and Dexter are getting ready to premiere. I’m not normally a huge TV watcher, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t excited.

I’ve been thinking of starting some sort of martial arts classes. My dad took classes at the Wah Lum Kung Fu school, and I was really interested in it. I think that I would love to get involved in something active like that where I could learn some legit ass-kicking skills. 

So speaking of active things, I really miss going to Amtgard. I’m not going to get into the many reasons why I haven’t been to the park. All I can say is that I am going to Joanne’s next week to buy fabric for new tunics and I will be remaking my sticks. I need to see my friends. Seeing them at Bhakdar’s party made me realize how isolated I felt without them in my life. They are like a second family to me, and I feel like I am really missing out on the experience of being around them.

Anyway, it is late and there are sleeps to be had. I’m off to another night of fitful dreams.